Mutated DNA
by FossiliZed
Summary: "We're family, after all, we're all bred from the same strand of mutated DNA." Takes place straight after the Minion Movie. The minions have found their master in boy-form, now it's time to serve him. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the minions or Gru or any of the characters used in this non-profit piece of fiction

 **Warning:** Spoilers for the movie. Unbeta'd.

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He was _despicable._ So they followed him, wherever he went. Using the trail of dust left behind his aircraft, the remaining frost of the freeze ray, or the tiny fibre pulled loose from his scarf, the minion tribe followed the mysterious boy across the skies, land, and sea, never stopping. That's not to say it wasn't difficult – the number of banana stores they'd robbed just to stay alive was uncountable! But Kevin led them, so they all knew it would turn out all right in the end, and now they were finally here; a strange house on a strange street in a strange town in a strange country. It was all very strange.

They crept to the window and peeked in – a thousand pairs of eyes pressed up against the glass. Inside there he was, their wondrous young master, holding the results of his latest evil deed high into the air like a trophy. The minions were entranced. In particular, Kevin was proud of himself.

"Hey mom! I'm back from my trip."

A woman was lounging in a chair by the fireplace, reading a book. She glanced up over the top of her glasses and lifted her nose at the strange noise she heard which she thought was a bird stuck in the chimney - she was going to lean forwards and turn up the fire - but then she realised that, no, it wasn't a pesky bird she could roast for dinner, it was in fact her son who was indeed pesky but could not be roasted for dinner because she doubted that he didn't taste very nice - he wasn't useful for anything, how dare he.

"Ock, it's you, Gru." She looked back down at her book again. "Aren't you leaving for England?"

"I just got back mom, and _look_ – I stole the crown jewels!"

"Ehh…"

"Oh and after that I robbed the Nixons and got you this necklace!"

"Eh."

"I also sank two submarines into the Mediterranean, rigged the Winter Olympics in France, froze the river during a rowin' competition, stole a baby's candy…"

"Eh."

"… shot darts at a balloon salesman, pushed a group of nuns into a whorehouse…"

"Eh."

"…and bought Italian for dinner!"

The mother paused, looking up from her book. Gru beamed at her. She adjusted her glasses, cleared her throat and said, "Ehhhhhhh..." before returning to her book.

Gru scowled and clenched his fists. He threw down the things he brought home and stormed off, thinking that his mother would never _think_ to call him back or even watch him go, that no one was watching him leave, but of course he was fully unaware of the thousands of admiring eyes that were doing just that.

"Boss, boss!" Kevin cried.

The minions nodded and agreed eagerly. They wandered over to the front door, all them pushing and shoving to fit on the porch. Kevin scowled, waving his hands to tell them to calm down. The minions yapped and punched and shoved, and Kevin rolled his eyes.

"Stupa, stupa!" he demanded, "Tokas aw aka!"

The minions went quiet, although a couple of them were talking nervously. Bob was shaking from nervous excitement and Larry was muttering suspicious doubts to Carl - Kevin, who saw him as leader until they got their new master, would have to discuss this with him later - and Norbert was looking in the complete wrong direction, but he was an idiot so no surprises there.

Kevin pointed to the doorbell. "Bbbrriiing, bbbrrriiiiinnnnnggg!" he said and the minions nodded, hardly able to contain their excitement, but when Kevin tried to reach the doorbell, he was much too short. He demanded that Stuart helped him. Stuart, sighing, marched over and let Kevin stand on his head while he rang doorbell.

A moment later, the door opened. Losing his balance, Kevin fell and landed with a cry at the feet of whoever had answered the door. He looked up.

"Er…can I help you?"

It was their master. The minions all stared at him with dazzled eyes. No one said anything.

Gru raised an eye brow. "Oookkaaay." He looked at Kevin, whose mouth was wide open, struggling to say something. "Hey aren't you that…thing…" he looked him up and down and decided that, yes, 'thing' was a good word. Gru grimaced. "Uh-kay. …I saw you in England."

Kevin tried to speak but couldn't.

"Boss!" one of the minions yelled and a couple of them cheered.

"Gru!" called Gru's mother from inside the house, "Who is it? What do they want? Will they take you away?"

Gru hesitated. "Errrr…Some British people are here to see us…probably…"

Kevin snapped out of his trance. "Oh, oh!" he declared, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the wallet that had the ID's of all the minions. He gave this to Gru.

"What is this?" Gru took it wordlessly and blinked when all the cards spilled out. "Uh..." he from the crowd, to the cards, to the crowd, to the cards again. "Well this is useless – you all look the same!"

Kevin blinked in surprise. "Er…Tatata Kevin."

"…Kevin?" Gru raised an eyebrow, and Kevin laughed nervously. Their new master didn't seem very impressed with their efforts. Kevin wasn't sure how to rectify the situation. Maybe if they blew something up? "Well, Kevin, I, er…don't really care about you or anything and I'm not interested in tea or whatever British people do so goodbye now! Don't come back!"

He slammed the door in their face.

Kevin was stunned! That had _never_ happened to them before! All of their masters were very willing to have them along (even though most of these were large animals they happened to follow around and the animals didn't really do much when they realised that they couldn't eat the minions) Kevin thought about this and suddenly thought – was this master simply _too_ bad? He'd never considered this fact before, but this boy did outwit the greatest villain of all time but – NO! This only increased Kevin's determination to have this boy as their tribe's master.

The other minions, however, were not as driven as Kevin. Bob started crying the instant the door was shut. Harry, looking sad but trying to hide it, patted him gently on the shoulder. One by one, the group gave wistful sighs, dipped their heads and turned away – all except Kevin, who punched Stuart when he tried to pry him off the porch.

Stuart fell face on his goggles and growled. "Hey! What tos pak for?!"

"Stupa!" Kevin called after the other minions. He raised his arms in the air and, somewhat reluctantly, the heartbroken minions glanced back at him. They'd come this far, he told them, and he wouldn't let them give up so easily – no matter what, they needed a master, and they were going to have that disciple little boy as their master!

Kevin pointed to the house. It was tall and loomed above them. Over the porch a roof hung, and there was a tall tree beside that. Above the porch, two windows could be seen on the second floor. They had a drainage pipe running between them to where the house met the garden. The windowsill on each were very large, big enough for a minion to stand on. On the other hand, the locks on the window looked complicated for minions.

The road leading up to the house was cobbled, but some of the bricks were loose and could be easily pulled up. The grass was dry and prickly and covered in dead weeds. There was a battered old tent by the fence, and long bamboo sticks laying in what may have been a flower bed if there were any flowers. Kevin looked at all these things and nodded to himself:

It was time to break in.

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 **A.N:** How they break in is up to you. Have fun.


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N:** Nearly everyone updates on Christmas Eve or Christmas, and I'm like 'lets give Boxing Day a chance!' Happy Boxing Day everybody, one of those holidays that always gets a mention and yet hardly anyone knows why it exists.

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The new master the minions had chosen was Felonius Gru - a child genius with a rather unfortunate name. He was only five when he created a, well, he created Kyle, his…pet…dog…thing… He probably should have donated it to science but, pah forget that, he needed something to chew his mother's furniture. It made a great companion, too. Not that Gru was lonely or anything.

Kyle scampered round his heels as he strolled to his bedroom, biting at his knee caps, trying to make Gru drop his pizza.

"Down, Kyle!" he ordered. Kyle bit his ankle. "Ow! That's it, none for you!"

When he got to his bedroom door, he shook the pup from his leg and slammed the door shut before it could run after him again. He pressed his back against it and sighed. It had been a long day, and he was jet-lagged from his flight.

He glanced though the curtains. Those strange yellow pill-shaped things had wandered off. Good. He turned round, pausing to glance round his room, and then leaped onto his bed, pulling the pizza onto his lap. He opened his mouth to take a gigantic bite when his door opened, with an ominous groan as though he was on set of some over the top horror movie.

He scowled. "Kyle! I said you weren't getting any pizza!"

The corridor stared back at him through the open door, but Kyle was no where to be seen. Gru sighed, rolled eyes, and rolled off the bed. He marched up to the door and in one sharp movement, he yanked it all the way open. "NOW KYLE..."

No Kyle. Gru raised an eyebrow, glancing down both ends of the corridor, but there was no genetically mutated animal to be seen. Confused, he closed the door again, turning back to his bed to, hopefully - _finally -_ eat some much needed pizza (which, by the way, he stole from a pizza place in Italy!)

 _Great._ Now his pizza was gone. He growled, pulling on his eyelids. "Kyle!" he snarled, "How many times do I have to tell you -" he looked under the bed. No Kyle. No pizza. " - that just because you're an evil genius's pet -" In the wardrobe. Nothing there. Literally, his clothes were on the floor, where any self-respecting child should keep them. " - that doesn't mean you can just do-AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He found his pizza. Halfway down the throat of one of the pill-guys, who suddenly filled his entire floor space, while the rest of them just stared at him in that freakishly admiring way that made celebrities want to give restraining orders to their fans. Kyle, who had also scuttled his way in here, was laying on the windowsill, so completely unimpressed and bored by everything happening that he _rolled his eyes_ when Gru began to yell.

"What are you doing in here?! Out! All of you! Out! Out OUT!"

One of the yellow dwarf ran forwards, jabbering in that gibberish that Gru couldn't even begin to follow. He figured he should just freeze ray them and then drag them outside somehow. He was busy thinking up a more practical way of ridding himself of these pests, one that required much less heavy lifting, that he didn't notice that a small cluster of them had broken into one of his storage cupboards and let loose one of his older inventions until he heard the horrible metallic buzzing noise.

It was a drill - well, a sort of boy-sized Mole, to be more specific. Not terribly original no, but an evil genius had to start somewhere and why not start by stealing other people's designs?

He really, really _was_ too tired for this.

The Mole rattled and snarled, chasing around screaming minions in complete havoc, until a group of them got the idea to stop the vehicle by pouncing on it. Two of them leapt, bounced off it and went flying. Another few tried attacking the front, ducking under the drill part, only to get run over. Three of them leapt on the top, tipping the front of the Mole downwards. This sent it drilling through the floor, and through the downstairs floor, kicking up a gigantic dust cloud as it went. When the dust finally settled, Gru's mother was looking up at them from the downstairs living room. She shook her head, and returned to her knitting.

Gru frowned. "Well, you missed her."

The minions glanced at one another. Turning sharply on his heel, Gru stomped to his inflatable water armchair, slumping down into it with sigh, and pinching his nose. "Just...why...Oh, what do you want, already?!"

Since Gru couldn't understand minionease, it took about five hours to explain the situation, using cosplay and shadow puppets, and enough clumsily choreographed sign language to make a deaf person puke. This hadn't been a problem with some of their earlier masters – the T-Rex wasn't too bothered, nor was the Yeti, and the Dracula and the Egyptians just ordered anyone about regardless of language barriers – but apparently man had become less communicative over the years. Talk about a step backwards in evolution.

Eventually though, Gru understood.

"Oh, ho, ho, I see now." he laughed, "You want to work for me. Well, I don't need minions. If you haven't already noticed, I've already outwitted the *cough* 'greatest villain of all time' so no, I don't need you. Now, go away."

There were cries of protest from the group of minions who were still paying attention - everyone else had gotten so caught up in their acting that they weren't sure where they were any more. Gru cringed at a dancing group of minions dressed in his mother's night wear, a nightmarish image he'll be scarred with forever for sure. No self-respecting teenager should have to see _that_ , even if they are evil. He'd have to invest in some sort of memory-wipe device. Not only was he scarred by his mother's underwear, he was also haunted by, well, _questions_ regarding the minion anatomy…

Gru shuddered. He was getting off topic. Really far off topic. "So you'll do anything I want...except leave?"

Nods all round.

"Oh, you've got to be pulling on my..." Gru stopped and thought about this. Even if he initially worked alone, what kind of evil little boy would he be if he didn't want something (or in this case, a lot of somethings) to boss around? "Okay, I need to test this. Gather round, munchkins, here's what I want you to do…"

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 **Next update:** Gru tries not to burst a blood vessel as he deals with minions in the kitchen


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N:** This is super short, but its been on my computer for ages and I just had to post it. Happy reading.

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It was the minions' second week serving Gru and they hadn't really done much; mainly because Gru refused to acknowledge their existence no matter how much they poked and prodded and stole his underpants. He still kept an iron grip on the idea of working alone but he couldn't bring himself to kick them out – not after all those trials he made them do. A group of them had just got back from covering the Isle of Man with cheese sauce. He couldn't wait until THAT got on the news.

Still, he was in quite a predicament.

The minions were helpful. They lifted and carried whatever he told them to, to where ever he told them to take it - which is how his neighbours living room ended up in a tree in a park thirty hundred miles from where they lived. (They had it coming because they wouldn't let him get his rocket back when it landed in their backyard.)

The minions also annoyed his mother, whether or not he told them to, so that was an added bonus. Mother wanted them gone straight away. Part of him was keeping them around for that reason. He didn't want Mother to have the satisfaction of getting what she wanted.

And they were cute – _annoyingly_ cute. It was undignified! Here he was, trying to be the greatest villain mastermind, and all he could think about was pinching the little guys' cheeks.

He sighed and twitched on the TV, flipping through channels, looking for headlines about yellow guys causing havoc.

Something tugged on his sleeve. Gru glanced down to see one the Minions – Barry? Sally? – Oh who cares…

"What is it?" he snapped.

"Et tu beda maaaaa!" The minion groaned and pointed inside his mouth. He must be hungry.

"What are you, a baby bird?" Gru demanded, "Go feed yourself!" He turned back to the TV.

Ten minutes later he was putting out a fire in kitchen.

"Guys, you don't have to build wood fires in the MIDDLE OF THE CARPET! Did you grow up in a cave?"

The minions blinked at him.

"Oh. You really grew up in cave, huh?" Hmm? What was that pinch in his shrivelled evil heart? Sympathy? NO! Not acceptable. _Quick, say something mean._ "Well, that explains everything."

The minions glanced at each other.

And so it continued:

 _"Hey, those are my cookies!"_

 _"That's NOT what a frying pan is for!"_

 _"Are you goats now? STOP EATING THE CURTAINS!"_

 _"You guys are gonna make me bald."_

It went on like that for an hour or so until the saving grace – which was only momentarily a saving grace because a second later it was deemed a curse to add to the extra string of curses that suddenly made up Gru's life but anyway – the saving grace that was…

"We're out of food, are you serious?!"

Saving grace one second: the minions had finally stopped their roleplay of Kitchen Nightmares. Curse the next second: the minions were still hungry. Not to mention the fact that Gru had to eat. Worse part was, the minions had completely gobbled his favourite sprinkled chocolate ice-cream.

There was only one thing to do in a situation like this. Gru clapped his hands twice to get the minions' attention.

"Okay, everyone! We're going on a shopping trip!"


End file.
